Go-Go's Gone

I wiped the blood off of Go-Go just now and tried to shut her eyes. Border Collies are known for staring. In fact, they're the only breed known to be able to herd cows and sheep just by looking at them. I hear it pisses off some people when Border Collies stare at them with that intense gaze. Never pissed me off, though. When she was alive, I found Go-Go's eyes extremely expressive; most of the time her eyes simply said "Is it time for a walk?" "Make me do something!" "You're going off to work now?" and "Welcome home!"

I tried to close them just now, but they didn't want to stay shut. Apparently, she was a Border Collie to the end. In part to acknowldge my friend's stubbornness and in part so I could look into them for one last time, I decided I'd let her keep them open for a few more moments. And as I looked into them, still seemingly full of life even in death, I thought I could see her saying one last thing to me -- "I'm going to miss you."

I'm going to miss you, too, Go-Go.

My friend is dead. I just got down toweling off the blood from her white fur and wrapping her in a blanket-turned-shroud. My companion... my best friend ... is no more.

She died on my watch, while we were out for our semi-nightly walk. As usual, I took her to the sports center softball fields, where I can take her offleash and let her run around freely. Tonight I actually chased Go-Go around the field. It was the first time I did so since I screwed my ankle four months ago -- while chasing her -- so we were having a lot of fun together.

I got tired quickly (cuz im an old fart now). She stopped running and let me come to her so I could hug her and pet her. We sat next to each other on the field. It was about 9pm.

After our break, we walked around the edges of the field. Then she disappeared.

She often runs off on me, but she usually stays within earshot, so if I call her, she comes running quickly. If and when she disappears for any small length of time, or if she doesnt come when I call her, I play a game of hide-n-seek. As soon as she realizes she doesn't know where I am, she comes running right back, and everytime, she finds me.

Because I was in the middle of the expansive field this time, I decided simpy to lay down. Go-Go isn't very good at seeing me if my profile isnt clear.

I was on the ground for about 5 minutes, when I realized she wasn't gonna find me. So I called for her. But she didn't come.

I called again.

She still didn't come

Then I got up to walk around the fields. I heard birds flying around the nearby football field. And because Go-Go chases birds, I went there thinking I'd see a white flash of fur streaking across the field in hot pursuit of feathered prey.

But by the time I got there, the birds and the field were quiet.

I started calling more loudly for her, and making noise by banging the metal bleachers. But she was nowhere to be seen.

I thought that maybe she might have gone home looking for me, so I decided to head back. On the way home, I saw it: in the distance there was what appeared to be a white lump in the middle of the road. I ran toward it, and it became clearer that it was Go-Go.

She had been hit. The car that did it was nowhere to be seen.

She was intact. No easily discernable injuries and no sign of blood, even with her white fur. So although I could see she wasn't moving, I hoped and prayed she was alive. Even if she were injured to the point that a visit to a vet would be pointless, at least I wanted her to know that I was there for her at the end.

But I was too late. She was lifeless.

No breathing. No heartbeat.

She was dead.

At first I was pretty stoic about it. I understand that death is a part of life, and that shit like this is bound to happen. But as I picked her up, I couldn't hold back the emotion. She just wasn't reacting to me the way she normally did. The lack of movement and her limp, warm body in my arms, shocked me. Then blood started to flow out of her nose, painting her white fur and my white shirt in blotches of red. I might have walked 15 yards before I had to sit down on the curb, crying like a kid, cursing at the bitch for running off like that and apologizing to her for hiding from her.

Two police units arrived minutes later, as apparently someone had reported a dead dog in the middle of the street. They saw how distraught I was and offered to take me home, or to contact someone to pick me up. I refused, tears rolling down my cheeks and dead Go-Go limp in my arms, and told them I'd be fine.

They left. And a long while after they'd gone, I collected myslf enough to walk the rest of the way home. With her no longer pulling ahead of me on the leash, my vision blurred, and her once shining eyes growing dimmer by the second, the road home never seemed darker.